At university I came across an interesting new age proverb on a popular men’s site. It read ” Thou shall announce to all upon the delivery of a turd of epic proportions. Thou shall also leave it unflushed as to allow other to gaze upon said fecal sculpture”.

A part of the human journey is the occasional rough day with the toilet. One’s interstines and bowels may refuse to cooperate and go on a watery, slippery slope and ignore all protocols such as the pre-imminent warnings before the blast. We can also sit here and pretend that a special few humans don’t experience this fascinating intestinal fallout because they bath with liquid diamonds. Those special few probably think they have strawberry flavoured earwax. If you are not one of those special few – then you must know of “The Drop”, that terrible situaion at an event, meeting, function or holy place of worship – when all sense of hygiene and snobbery go out the same orifice as the contents of your bowels.

We know it when we see it too. Someone looks like they are fidgeting and sweating but trying to act normal then, out of nowhere they excuse themselves. They stand up so quick, so graciously and effortlessly- you cannot help but be impressed and awed by such graceful movement.

Ahh, every step towards the toilet feels like a step towards freedom, towards air to breathe, towards a fire in the snow tundra and then finally when there is only the quiet stillness of the toilet seat and the light coloured tiles- the Kracken is released in all it’s mesmerising granduer. It never lasts to long- usually a minute or so- but the impact is felt deeply. Then out of nowhere- a deep sense of euphoric calm takes hold, the tunnel vision fades away and our sense of self, our snobbery is restored once more.

It’s the funny part of being human.

Sincerely: Smart idiot

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